Hot-tempered Senator A hot-tempered senator exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
All the other Senators protested and demanded that the angry Senator withdrew his statement otherwise he be suspended for the session.
The angry Senator cynically replied, “Okay, I’ll withdraw my previous statement. I now say, ‘Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!’ ”
One Fine Day
A husband and wife were returning home by bus after their weekly marketing.The husband lighted a cigarette and started puffing away.
Wife : Hey, didn’t the doctor advise you to stop smoking months ago?
Husband : Indeed he did, darling. And I promised the doctor I will quit smoking one fine day.
Wife : It’s been three months already. Hasn’t that fine day arrived?Husband : Ah … every time I decide to quit when the fine day comes, the day immediately turns lousy!
Getting Even
The sweet young wife was telling the counselor that she had been sleeping in another room ever since she caught her husband sleeping with the neighbour.
“It’s your duty to forgive him, my dear lady,” the counselor said as he patted her hand. The lady fell into his arms gently sobbing.
“But,” the counselor added, as his grip tightened, “how’d you like to get even with the S.O.B. first? I live at No. 233. Block5. Cholten Apartment Singapore 22 ”
Superstition
A thief and his accomplice had entered a high-rise building and had stolen some jewelry from an apartment. Suddenly there was a police siren.
Thief : Quick Buddy …the police are coming … jump out of the window!
Accomplice : But we’re on the 13th floor!
Thief : You stupid fool! This is no time to be superstitious!
‘Love Struck’ Child
The pretty young school teacher was concerned about a 12-year old student. One day theteacher asked the student, “Raj, why is it your schoolwork has become so bad lately?”
“I can’t concentrate,” Raj said. “I’ve fallen in love.”
“Is that so?” the teacher said with a smile. “With whom?”
“With you,” Raj answered.
“But, Raj,” said the teacher, “don’t you see how silly this is? It’s true that I want a husband of my own one day, but I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry teacher,” Raj said reassuringly. “I’ll be very careful.”
No Respect
The boss of a company used to throw his weight around . He often nagged his staff members unreasonably and told them that they must show more respect for him. One morning he brought a sign that read “ I AM THE BOSS ”. He hung it on his office door. Later that day when he returned from his lunch break, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign on his office door. The note said : “YOUR WIFE CALLED. SHE WANTS HER SIGN BACK.”
The Eccentric Interviewer
An eccentric boss was interviewing a lady applicant for a post in his company. He had a candle at his desk. With a smug in his face, the boss asked the applicant, “Why did the elephant eat the candle?”
The lady, after a moment of pause, attempted an answer, “Because the elephant was crazy?”
The boss laughed sneeringly and said, “No, you brainless lady …because the elephant wanted a light snack!”
The applicant was getting annoyed and insulted. She wanted to get back at the interviewer.
“Sir,” she said, “do you know what kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?”
The boss was stumped. “A red candle?” he guessed.
“Neither!” the lady said. “Candles always burn shorter! You lack brains!”
“I’d do Anything …”
A sexy young lady undergraduste entered a young professor’s office. She closed the door and knelt down pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam," she pleaded.
She then leant closer to him, flipped back her hair, gazed sexily into his eyes.
“I mean …” she whispered, "... I would do... anything."
“Anything?” the professor returned her gaze.
“Yes, absolutely anything,” she said sexily.
The professor whispered to her, “Go back and study your lecture notes.”
Dream
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".
*Wife’s Birthday
A wife told her husband that it was not necessary for him to remember her birthday which fell on the following week. Actually, deep down inside her she really meant : "You’d better do or else …"
The husband knowing his wife too well, said, “Oh, I do remember, darling. What would you like to have for your birthday present?”
“Oh, I haven’t thought of it yet,” the wife said. “I think anything with diamonds would be fine.”
For his wife’s birthday present, the husband gave her a pack of playing cards.
A Final Moment Of Truth
A man was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: his wife and four children. Three of the children were tall, good looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest was short and ugly.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispered, "assure me that the youngest child is really mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I will forgive you if …”
The wife gently interrupted him, “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question. I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man gave a sigh and then died, happy. The wife muttered under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A psychiatrist entered a room with 2 patients. He saw the first patient sitting on the floor pretending to saw a piece of wood into two halves. The second patient was hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood into halves?”
“What is your friend doing up there in the ceiling?” the doctor asked.
“My friend is crazy,” the first patient told the doctor. “He thinks he’s an electric bulb.”
The doctor, noticing the man hanging down the ceiling getting red in the face, asked the first patient, “ Why don’t you get your friend down from the ceiling before he hurts himself?”
“No way,” the first patient said. “If he comes down, I have to work in the dark!”
Dead Drunk
Two men, one in his fifties, the other in his twenties were sitting in the bar. The older man , after a few rounds of drinks, started shouting and insulting the younger man,
“Do you know that your mother is a loose woman, one without morals … I slept with your mother a number of times!”
Everyone in the bar looked at the two men. The older man once more was yelling at the younger man,
“I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The younger man patted the old man at the back and said loudly, “It’s time to go home, dad… you’re dead drunk!”
My Room
A frustrated Japanese fatherwas talking to his friend. He lamented, “When I was a kid, I was disciplined by being sent to my room and confined there without supper or any entertainment. But in my son’s room, he has his own colour TV, telephone, computer, air-conditioning and hi-fi set. There is also a refrigerator so well stocked and a microwave oven.”
“So what do you do to discipline him?” asked his friend.
“I send him to MY room!” the father said.
Irrational Jealousy
Husband: Darling, I’ve turned over a new leaf. See …no more strands of ladies’ hair on my shirt. I don’t fool around with women anymore.
Wife: Some of my friends said that they have seen you visiting temples. No ladies’ hair on your shirt? You are now fooling around with nuns!
Toilet Paper
There were three bald-headed middle-aged men, Choon, Gong and Ho. They were staying in a hotel by the sea. One day the three of them were taking a stroll along the beach. Suddenly a seagull swooped down low and deposited its droppings on the bald head of Gong. Ho, being a simple good-hearted person started to run back to the hotel saying, “Don’t worry. I will soon be back with some toilet paper.”
Pointing at Ho running to the hotel, Choon remarked to Gong, “This Ho is really stupid. By the time he comes back with the toilet paper, the seagull would have flown so far away!”
Simple Test
Two young graduates applied for a single position in a big company. Both of them had the same qualifications.
The two applicants had to sit for a test consisting of 10 questions. Both men could not answer only one of the questions correctly.
After looking at the answers of the test, the manager called in the first applicant and told him, “Both of you answered 9 questions correctly but we have decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“May I know why I was not chosen since I also had 9 correct answers? the rejected applicant asked.
“Our decision was not based on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” the manager said.
“How would you judge that one incorrect answer is better than the other?” the rejected applicant asked.
“Simple,” the manager said. “For question 6, your fellow applicant answered ‘I don’t know’. You put down ‘Neither do I’.”
Bickering Couple
An elderly couple would constantly argue about almost everything. The wife would always make sure that she had the last say in any argument.
“I’ll jump and curse on your grave ..... she would state vehemently.
Not long later the man died. His last request was that he be buried at sea.
The Will
A widow was at the lawyer’s office to hear the will of her late husband. When she learns that her late husband had left the major portion of his fortune to his mistress, she was enraged. Filled with anger and hatred, she went to see the stone-cutter to have the inscription on her husband’s tombstone changed.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the stone-cutter told her. “I inscribed ‘REST IN PEACE’ based on your orders. It’s too late to change it now.”
“Very well,” the fuming widow said grimly, “in that case, just add these words : ‘UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN’”.
source: dhamma T Intan blogsite
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