The College GraduateA young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that,” the manager said. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
The Obituary
A miserly old woman walked into the local newspaper office to have an obituary written for her husband who died a couple of days ago. The person in charge at the office told her that the fee for the obituary was one dollar per word. The woman thought for a while and then said, “Let it just read ‘Fred Anson died.’
Amused at the woman’s ‘thrift’, the man at the office told her, “I’m sorry ma’am. There is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries put in our newspaper.”
The woman was getting annoyed. She pondered for a few seconds and then said, “In that case write , ‘Fred Anson died. Good 1982 pick-up for sale.’ ”
Something Positive
A husband and wife in their fifties were getting ready for bed. The wife approached a full-length mirror and looked at herself. “Well, my dear,” she said to the husband. “When I look into the mirror, all I see is an old woman with gray hair, a wrinkled face; her shoulders are hunched, her breasts are sagging, her body and legs are flabby. Oh dear, please tell me something positive about myself to cheer me up.” “Honey,” the husband remarked from the bed, “I can say for sure that your eyesight is very good.”
‘You are fired’
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities one day, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against the wall. The office was full of workers and he thought that this was his chance to show everyone he meant business. The CEO walked up to the guy and asked, “And how much money do you make a week?”
Undaunted, the young fellow looked at him and replied, “I make $200 a week. Why?”
The CEO then handed the guy $200 in cash and shouted, “Here’s a week’s pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back!” Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looked around the office and asked, “Can anyone tell me what work that slacker did here?” With a grin, one of the office workers muttered, “Pizza delivery boy.”
Neighbours
Joe : I heard that you and your neighbour are not on speaking terms. What happened?
Sam : He was too much. One day, when I started to cut grass with my lawn mower at six in the morning, my neighbour sent me a bottle of lubricating oil.
Joe : And what did you do?
Sam : I sent it back to him and told him to use it on his wife every time she started singing at midnight. And you know what …two days later, when he heard my wife coughing badly, he brought the bottle back with a note saying , ‘Good medicine for your wife’s horrible cough.’
The Watermelons
A farmer in the country had a watermelon patch and upon inspection, he discovered that some of the local kids had been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thought of ways to discourage this dishonest eating
of the watermelons. He put up a sign that read:
“WARNING – ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!” The farmer returned a week later to discover that none of the watermelons had been eaten but found a sign that read :
“NOW THERE ARE TWO!”
The Baker and the Farmer
A baker in a little country town bought the butter he used from a nearby farmer. One day he suspected that the bricks of butter were not full pounds, and for several days he weighed them. He was right. They were short weight, and he had the farmer arrested. At the trial the judge said to the farmer,
"I presume you have scales?"
"No, your honor."
"Then how do you manage to weigh the butter you sell?" inquired the judge.
The farmer replied, "That's easily explained, your honor. I have balances and for a weight I use a one-pound loaf I buy from the baker."
The Fisherman
A man saw a fisherman standing by a lake with a mirror.
“Excuse me,” he asked the fisherman. "What ae you doing?"
“I am fishing,” the fisherman replied.
“With a mirror?”
“Sure - it’s a new discovery.
I’m going to make a fortune!”
“Can you tell me how it works?”
“Okay, but it’ll cost you a hundred dollars.”
The first man was curious and greedy; he gave the fisherman the money.
“Well,” the fisherman began, “first you aim the mirror into the water. When a fish comes along, you shock the fish with the rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish will get confused and then you grab it.” The first man was stunned. “You can’t mean to tell me that’s how you fish. It’s ridiculous! How many have you caught?"
“You’re the fifth today!” the fisherman replied coolly.
Grass Eaters
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was being driven in his big car.
Looking out of the car window, he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He asked his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one of the men.
“We are hungry. We don’t have any food to eat," the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children.”
“That’s fine. Bring them along. And you,” he told the other man, “can come with us too.”
“But sir, I too have a wife and two children,” the second man said.
“No problem,” the lawyer said. “Bring them all along.”
And so all the poor people got into the big car. Along the way, one of the poor fellows said, “Sir, you are so very kind. How can we thank you for taking all of us with you to your home?”
The lawyer smiled wickedly and said, “No problem, the grass in my backyard is about two and a half feet tall.”
"Spiritual Power"
A woman went to the local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly departed grandmother through a seance.
The psychic's eyelids began fluttering and she began moaning. Eventually, a voice came, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responded, "Grandma? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeated.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman paused for a moment and said to the psychic, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
Smart Dog
Two women who owned dogs were bragging about their pets and
arguing as to whose dog was smarter.
First woman : My dog is so smart - every morning, he waits for the newspaper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman : I know this.
First woman : How do you know?
Second woman : My dog told me.
Writing Lines
A woman was charged in court for traffic violation. She was brought before the magistrate. When asked for her occupation, the woman said she was a schoolteacher. The magistrate rose from the bench. He smiled at the woman and said,
"For years I have been waiting for a lady teacher to appear before me in this court. Now, you sit down at that table and write :
‘I will not break the traffic rules' five hundred times!"
Self-Interest
For the umpteenth time, Brian a college student had been telling the college principal, “Sir, I’m so scared. Mr. Weller says he’s going to kill me if I continue studying in this college.”
The principal was getting tired hearing this over and over again. “Don’t worry, Brian,” the principal replied. “Just ignore the threat. We will all continue to pray for you.”
“Thank you, sir,” Brian said, “but this morning Mr. Weller said that if I keep coming to this college, he’s going to kill the principal.”
“Well, now,” the principal said, “perhaps it’s time for you to check out the college opposite ours. It offers similar courses … and they’re as good as ours.”
A cunning insurance agent was trying to sell an insurance policy to a prospective client. He managed to sweet talk the man into signing up for the policy. As the applicant was filling up the form, he came upon a part and hesitated. The agent asked him what the trouble was. The client answered that he could not answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The insurance agent persuaded him to tell him why. After some embarrassment, the client explained that his father had been hanged for smuggling drugs. The insurance agent pondered for a while and then said, “Just write: ‘My father was asked to take part in an official function when the platform he was standing on suddenly gave way.’”
Something for the home
A wife was waiting angrily for her husband to return . It was already past midnight and the wife was fuming. Finally at about 2.30 a.m., she heard a noise at the door downstairs. She went out of the bedroom and stood at the top of the stairs. There was her husband, terribly drunk, trying to make his way up the stairs.
“Do you know what time it is?” the wife shouted.
“Relax, honey,” the husband answered. “I’m late because I went to buy something for the home.”
The wife softened a bit; she was filled with some anticipation. As she went down the stairs to meet her husband halfway, she said, “Darling, it was thoughtful of you to think of our home. What did you buy?”
“A carton of drinks…beer from France!”
Picking a Punishment
When evil Mr. Blackheart died he was sent to hell. Satan met him and showed him the doors to three rooms. Blackheart had to choose one room and spent an eternity in the room. At the door of the first room, he saw people suffering with cow manure up to their necks. He asked Satan to show him the second room. There he saw screaming people in the room filled with cow manure up to the mouths of the people. “It’s terrible,” Blackheart told Satan. “Show me the third room.” In the third room, there were people with cow manure up to their knees and they were eating cakes and drinking tea. “I choose this room,” Blackheart said.
Blackheart joined the people in the room eating his cake and drinking his cup of tea. “At least it’s not as bad as the other two rooms,” Blackheart thought to himself. Just as he was about to finish his tea, Satan appeared again at the door and announced, “Tea break is over. Now back on your heads again!”
Worm Control
A teacher wanted to teach his 12-year old students about the danger and evil of liquor – how it can ruin our health and kill us. He thought of an experiment which he felt would convey the message effectively.
In class, the teacher got ready two live worms, a glass of tap water and a glass containing some whisky. He put the first worm into the first glass of water – the worm wriggled and moved about quite energetically.
“Now, class, observe carefully”, the teacher said, “what happens to the second worm.” He put the second worm into the glass of whisky – the worm writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom – dead.
“Now, what important lesson can we learn from this?” the teacher asked.
Tommy raised his hand and very confidently answered, “Drink whisky and you will be free from worms!”
Ideal Relatives
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the husband replied, “in-laws.”
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