The Shopkeepers Two shopkeepers were very bitter rivals. They had stores directly facing each other across the road and everyday they would monitor the other’s business. If one had a customer, the other would be filled with great jealousy.
One night a genii appeared to one of the shopkeepers in a dream and said, “I will give you anything you wish for but remember that whatever you ask for, your rival opposite your shop will receive twice as much. You can be very rich but he will be twice as rich as you. Do you want to be famous? Well, he will be twice as famous.
The shopkeeper frowned and thought for a while. Then he said, “Make me blind in one eye and deaf in one ear.”
The Young Punk
A young punk was in a train sitting on a seat directly facing an old man. The young punk had spiked, multi-coloured, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing was a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs were tattooed and he wore only one pair of shoes. His face was pierced with jewelry and his earrings were red, yellow and green feathers. The old man stared at the young punk for a long time as the train traveled across the city. Finally, the punk looked across at the old man and yelled at him with abuses and vulgar words,
“What are you looking at, you-good-for nothing old man? Didn’t you do anything wild and immoral when you were young?”
Without hesitation, the old man replied, “Sure I did. When I was young and in the Navy, once I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you might be my son.”
The Child and the Wave
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified grandmother got down on her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged God to return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before the grandmother.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He appeared to be fine. But still the grandmother stared up angrily towards the heavens. “When we came,” she snapped indignantly, “my grandson had a hat!”
At the Zoo
A father and his very young son were standing in front of a tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining to his son about the wild and fierce nature of tigers. The son listened attentively with a rather serious look in his expression.
“Daddy,” the boy finally asked, "if the tiger got out of the cage and ate you up ..."
“Yes, son?” the father was all ears. “… what bus should I take home?” the boy finished.
The Perfect Son
Mrs. Lim : I have the perfect son.
Mrs. Tan : Does he ever smoke?
Mrs. Lim : No, he doesn’t.
Mrs. Tan : Does he drink any liquor?
Mrs. Lim : No, he doesn’t.
Mrs. Tan : Does he ever come home late at night?
Mrs. Lim : No, he doesn’t.
Mrs. Tan : Well, I guess you really do have the perfect son. Where does he work?
Mrs. Lim : He’s too young to work yet. He will be six months old in a week’s time.
The Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid details to make it more dramatic so that her students would feel the moral lesson. Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
After some moments of silence, a student in front stood up and answered, “I think I’d vomit.”
At school Dennis was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by merely saying "I know the whole truth. "When Dennis went home from school that day, he approached his mother and said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with “I know the whole truth.” His father promptly handed him $40 and said, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, Dennis was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front gate. The boy greeted him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms and said, “Then, come and give your real father a big hug.”
SO FAR…
Mrs. Durell listened with a smile to her 6-year old son’s story, about how he played doctor with the neighbor’s daughter, 7-year old Monica.
“We want to marry,” her son Dicky said decisively.
“That’s nice,” the mother said, “but shouldn’t you wait for a while? After all, you are so young. And anyway, how are you going to pay the bills?”
“Oh, we discussed that," Dickie answered. “We shall pool our pocket money and in winter clear away the snow for the neighbors. We will manage very nicely.”
“And what will you do when you have a baby?” the mother asked.
Dicky replied almost immediately, "So far we've been lucky!"
'Are You Married?'
Soh Loh did not know how to talk to ladies. Once, before going on a foreign trip, his friend said that if he were to meet a lady, he could ask questions such as
1) Are you married?
2) Do you have any children?
Soh Loh boarded the plane and sat between two ladies. After a while, he turned to one of the ladies and said, "Are you married?" The lady replied, "No." He then asked, "Do you have any children?" The lady slapped him muttering about his rudeness.
Ah Soh then turned to the other lady and asked, “Do you have any children?" The lady replied ,"Oh yes!" Ah! Soh, without thinking asked, "Are you married?" He received another slap.
Stupid 'Scientist'1) Are you married?
2) Do you have any children?
Soh Loh boarded the plane and sat between two ladies. After a while, he turned to one of the ladies and said, "Are you married?" The lady replied, "No." He then asked, "Do you have any children?" The lady slapped him muttering about his rudeness.
Ah Soh then turned to the other lady and asked, “Do you have any children?" The lady replied ,"Oh yes!" Ah! Soh, without thinking asked, "Are you married?" He received another slap.
Ah Gong, an ignorant and dull-witted young man, decided to become a scientist. He started his first experiment with a spider. He cut two of its legs, and said to the spider, "Move". The spider moved. Then he removed two more legs and again said, "Move". The poor spider wriggled in pain and moved a little. Then Ah Gong removed the remaining legs and ordered the spider to move. This time the spider did not move.
Ah Gong wrote the following conclusion in his note book:
“IF YOU CUT ALL THE LEGS OF A SPIDER IT BECOMES DEAF.”
Ah Gong wrote the following conclusion in his note book:
“IF YOU CUT ALL THE LEGS OF A SPIDER IT BECOMES DEAF.”
The Butcher
A university student spent his long summer vacation working in a variety of part-time jobs to help finance his medical education. At one time, he assisted a butcher in a meat market by day and helped out as a hospital attendant at night. Both jobs required him to wear a similar uniform. One evening, he was assigned to take an old lady patient to the operation theatre. As he entered the room, the patient looked at him, looked again and then she began to scream, “Oh my God! It’s my butcher!”
Old MacDonald
There were only three remaining contestants in the final round of the quiz … Chin, Bah and Kah. The $50,000 question was to finish the following song title and spell the answer: “Old MacDonald had a …”
Chin was to answer first and he said , “estate” … “e-s-t-a-t-e”.
The quiz master said, “Sorry, wrong answer but right spelling.”
Bah was very excited as he thought he knew the answer. He shouted out, “The answer is ‘ranch’ …r-a-n-c-h”.
The quiz master said, “Sorry again, wrong answer but right spelling.”
The quiz master then turned to Kah and said, “For $50,000 what is the answer?” Kah said, “Farm”.
“Very good,” the quiz master said. “Now spell it.”
Kah shouted out excitedly, “E-I-E-I-O!”
“Very good,” the quiz master said. “Now spell it.”
Kah shouted out excitedly, “E-I-E-I-O!”
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th wedding Anniversary. During their party, a
wizard appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the
world and poof – the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the wizard asked the husband
what he wanted. He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” The wizard picked up his wand and poof – the husband was 90 years old
wizard appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the
world and poof – the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the wizard asked the husband
what he wanted. He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” The wizard picked up his wand and poof – the husband was 90 years old
The Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder as he wanted to ask him something.The driver gave out a loud scream, lost control of the car, nearly hit a van, drove up a curb and stopped just a few inches from a shop window. For a moment, everything went quiet in the cab and then the driver told the passenger,
“Sir, don’t ever do that again. Did you know that you scared me out of my wits?”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare the daylights out of you.”
The driver said, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. You know, today is my first day as a cab driver. For the last twenty years I’ve been driving a funeral hearse.”
Adultery and its Price
Tom was near death and his wife Jill was by his side maintaining a vigil. She held his weak hand, and tears rolled down her cheeks. She started a prayer and it roused her husband from his slumber. He looked up at his wife and started to whisper. “My dear wife,” he said, “I have something I must confess to you.”
“Don’t talk, my love,” the wife said softly. “Go to sleep. Everything is going to be alright.”
“No, I must let you know this,” Tom insisted. “I’ve done you wrong. I slept with your sister, your best friend and also your mother.”
“I know all this,” Jill replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
“Don’t talk, my love,” the wife said softly. “Go to sleep. Everything is going to be alright.”
“No, I must let you know this,” Tom insisted. “I’ve done you wrong. I slept with your sister, your best friend and also your mother.”
“I know all this,” Jill replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
The Motivation Speaker
A well-known motivation speaker gave a talk to a local Women’s Club. At the end of his talk, the secretary of the Club approached him with a cheque meant as reimbursement for his travelling
expenses. The speaker declined the cheque and said it could be donated to any charity.
“Would you mind,” the secretary asked, “if we put the donation into our Special Fund?”
“Not at all,” the speaker replied. “As a matter of curiosity, what’s the Special Fund for?”
“To enable our Women’s Club to get a better speaker next year," the secretary said.
expenses. The speaker declined the cheque and said it could be donated to any charity.
“Would you mind,” the secretary asked, “if we put the donation into our Special Fund?”
“Not at all,” the speaker replied. “As a matter of curiosity, what’s the Special Fund for?”
“To enable our Women’s Club to get a better speaker next year," the secretary said.
Infidelity and The Doctor
A man telephoned his doctor .
“Doctor, my son has an infectious disease.”
“Then you have to keep him away from others in the house”, the doctor said.
“But you don’t understand. He kissed the maid.”
“Well, that’s too bad. We’ll have to quarantine the maid too,” said the doctor.
“And doctor, I kissed her and had sex with her too,” said the guilty father.
“This is getting complicated,” the doctor commented. “It means that you may also have got it.”
“Yes, doctor, and unfortunately, I also kissed and had sex with my wife.”
“Damn it,” the doctor sighed, “now I will get it too !”
“Then you have to keep him away from others in the house”, the doctor said.
“But you don’t understand. He kissed the maid.”
“Well, that’s too bad. We’ll have to quarantine the maid too,” said the doctor.
“And doctor, I kissed her and had sex with her too,” said the guilty father.
“This is getting complicated,” the doctor commented. “It means that you may also have got it.”
“Yes, doctor, and unfortunately, I also kissed and had sex with my wife.”
“Damn it,” the doctor sighed, “now I will get it too !”
Weight Loss
A lady in her mid-forties lived with her husband who had quite an eye for young and pretty women. One day, their married daughter paid them a visit. The daughter noticed that pasted inside the well-stocked refrigerator was a photo of a beautiful actress – young, slender and sexy in bikini.
“Mum,” she asked, “what’s the photo doing in the fridge?”
“Well,” the mother replied. “It’s to remind me not to overeat.”
“And has it brought positive results?”
“Yes and no,” the mother sighed. “I lost 10 pounds but your dad gained 15.”
“Mum,” she asked, “what’s the photo doing in the fridge?”
“Well,” the mother replied. “It’s to remind me not to overeat.”
“And has it brought positive results?”
“Yes and no,” the mother sighed. “I lost 10 pounds but your dad gained 15.”
An ugly looking but brilliant doctor once told a dull-witted but very pretty nurse,
“Even though you have little brains, your looks are simply great!"
“Oh, thank you, Doctor,” the dumb pretty nurse said happily. "You know, how great it'd be if we were to get married ... we'll have children with your intelligence and my looks."
"What if our children have my looks and your brains?" the doctor remarked.
Revenge From A Kiss
A married couple met with a terrible accident and the wife’s face was severely burnt. As the wife was too skinny the plastic surgeon told the husband that the skin graft had to come from the buttocks of the husband.
Both the husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one where the skin came from and requested the plastic surgeon to keep the secret too.
The surgery was a great success and everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty and many people commented on her lovely cheeks.
One day when the wife was alone with her husband, she said, “Darling, I just don’t know how to thank you for the sacrifice you made to give me a new fresh face. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My dear,” the husband replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.”
The Materialistic Lawyer
A very successful lawyer drove his brand-new million dollar Ferrari to his office. The egoistic lawyer wanted to show his car to his colleagues. As he got out of the car, a truck came close to the curb and completely ripped off the driver’s door of the Ferrari. The lawyer immediately dialed for the police with his mobile phone. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled over. Before he could say anything, the lawyer started screaming, complaining about his damaged new Ferrari. “My new car is gone … no amount of repair can make it new again,” the lawyer yelled. “Oh, this loss is really breaking my heart.”
The policeman, observing with disgust and disbelief, shook his head and told the lawyer, “I can’t understand how materialistic you lawyers can get. Here you are so focused on your new car. Didn’t you realize that your left arm is missing … also ripped off by the truck?”
“Oh no,” the lawyer wailed, “My Rolex!”
Meditation
Teacher : Why were you meditating in a strange way … pressing your nostrils one at a time?
Meditator : Sir, I was merely following your instructions. You said, ‘Breathing in …one nose. Breathing out …one nose.’
The teacher was shocked. He had instructed, ‘Breathing in …one knows, breathing out …one knows.’
A Lesson in Punctuation
An English professor wrote the following words on the blackboard : Woman without her man is nothing. The professor then asked his students to punctuate the sentence correctly.
The male students wrote : ‘Woman, without her man, is nothing.’
The female students wrote : ‘Woman! Without her, man is nothing!’
The male students wrote : ‘Woman, without her man, is nothing.’
The female students wrote : ‘Woman! Without her, man is nothing!’
Broken English
Three immigrants in America were trying to learn the English language. One was trying to tell his two friends about the difficulty he and his wife were having in their effort to have children.
“I think my poor wife must be impregnable,” he said.
The second immigrant remarked, “That’s not the right word. She is inconceivable.”
The third immigrant confidently said, “Both of you are using the wrong words. She is unbearable.”
The second immigrant remarked, “That’s not the right word. She is inconceivable.”
The third immigrant confidently said, “Both of you are using the wrong words. She is unbearable.”
Ten Feet Behind
A Western female journalist had done a study and story on gender roles in a particular kingdom several years before a major war engulfed the kingdom. She was not happy to note that the women in this kingdom, by custom or tradition, would walk about ten feet behind their husbands.
Recently, this same Western journalist returned to the same kingdom and she was pleased to observe that now the men would walk several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women and said to her, “Why, this is real progress … marvelous! What has caused women here to achieve this reversal of gender roles?”
“Land mines,” the woman softly replied.
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